WORLD SERIES GAME 5: A Quintessential Loss
This game recap would be better titled “Fuck You Tony LaRussa and Matt Holliday,” but, due to legal constraints involving baseball-reference.com, I’m not able to use profanity in my titles. The Cardinals squandered 1,594 scoring opportunities - mostly involving our meathead left fielder – while TLR did every thing in his unholy power to destroy the game from the inside out, as the Texas Rangers came from behind to beat the Redbirds and their ace 4-2. The Rangers, who haven’t lost two in a row since August 3rd, now have a 3-2 advantage coming into Busch Stadium for the final two games. In other words, the Cardinals are in deep, deep shit.
BALL TO THE CROTCH, PART 2: Let me just get this out right now – Matt Holliday puts up lovely seasonal numbers; he’s as dependable as a Honda robot, mechanically putting up the .300 average, 25 home runs, and 100 RBI’s for which you pay him. However, I guarantee you that NONE of those hits, home runs, or RBI’s came in a game-changing situation or significantly altered the game outcome. In crucial moments of situational hitting, Holliday swings like a lobotomized gorilla whose treat rations are determined by the amount of air he displaces. I mean, Nick Punto has more clutch hits this year than Holliday, and Punto has been on the DL more than he’s played in the field! Tonight, our big-headed Holliday left FIVE RUNNERS ON BASE, almost all of them in important moments late in the game. He’s batting a disastrous .167 in this series. The corpse of Josh Hancock could have had a more positive impact on this game. I’d prefer Holliday to choke like he did against the Dodgers in 2009 – take one off the ballsack and then sit down. Instead, he keeps foiling our attempts to win the World Series with his clueless, blind-swinging at bats. BEST PART - we get to pay this doofus for FIVE MORE YEARS!
NICE LINEUP, IDIOT: With Holliday batting less that the weight of his own head, you’d think that TLR would wise up and move Holliday into the fifth spot in this lineup, where he has seen some success in the past. Batting Holliday cleanup allows the opposing manager to pitch around Pujols, since Holliday is as clutch as a car with automatic transmission. Holliday also seems to succumb to the pressure of batting cleanup more than Lance Berkman. In other words (and I mean this in the nicest way possible), MOVE HOLLIDAY DOWN IN THIS LINEUP, PUPPY FUCKER!
UNSHARP CARP: Cardinal Nation was nervously hoping that Chris Carpenter would twirl another masterpiece and bring us home on a winning note. However, the long season is starting to wear down our aging ace. Carp struggled into the seventh inning, admirably battling despite giving up six hits and two walks. He was in trouble in most of his innings. Anyone who says that Carpenter should’ve kept pitching after his rocky seventh – he gave up a home run and two singles in the inning before finally escaping – is fooling themselves. Carp was consistently throwing the ball above the belt; in fact, Carp was seen berating himself on the mound to “keep the ball down.” He didn’t have his stuff tonight.
TLR IS A FUCKING MORON, PART I: There is nothing in the career of Allen Craig that suggests that he is fast, or has any knowledge of how to steal a base. Newborn children know this. Meth-heads know this. Bosnians passing through the gates at Ellis Island know this. But you know what? TLR DOES NOT KNOW THIS. He repeatedly called for Craig to steal second – once in the seventh, and once on a hit-and-run in the ninth – and Craig was out by several hundred yards both times. The guy is not fast; Steven Hawking could beat Craig to second base while only using his teeth to pull himself along. Yet, TLR botched two excellent scoring chances by sending Craig, and then watched him flop pathetically into the dirt fifteen feet from second. OUTSTANDING MANAGERIAL MOVES, LA-FUCKING-GENIUS!
TLR IS A FUCKING MORON, PART II: So you take Carpenter out of the game and bring in Octavio Dotel in the eighth. This is a good move, considering how the Rangers had spent two previous innings taking Carpenter to the brink of a blowout. Dotel surrendered a hit and a walk, which brought TLR out of the dugout to summon Marc Rzepczynski to face lefty David Murphy. Murphy bounced a ball to Zeppo, who deflected the ball away from second baseman Nick Punto for an infield single and a bases-loaded situation. Up comes righty Mike Napoli, the Rangers’ best power threat. So … TLR should pull Zeppo for Lance Lynn, who is currently warming in the bullpen, right? NOPE. TLR decides to let Zeppo pitch to Napoli, who then rips a double to score the two winning runs!!! What a brilliant strategy!! TLR has played the lefty/lefty-righty/righty matchup odds all season long without fail … except when it really counts, like in the fifth game of the World Series!!! LaGenius!!!!!
UPDATED: IT’S SOMEONE ELSE’S FAULT: The TLR explanation given for the above scenario with Zeppo and Lynn is that he called for Zeppo and Motte to warm up, but the bullpen coaches misheard him and warmed up Lynn instead. Um, huh? Those two names do not sound alike at all! Besides, it was general knowledge prior to the previous game that Lynn was going to be unavailable for two games – do the bullpen coaches not know this?? Were they not paying attention during TLR’s morning mumblefest/meeting? How can this even be a reasonable explanantion in this situation? Oh, okay, sure … don’t worry about miscommunication or your jobs at all, guys … it’s just the fifth game of the WORLD SERIES!! Ludicrous!!
TLR IS A FUCKING MORON, PART III: After that piece of Napoleon-like genius with Zeppo, anybody still watching the game had to be scratching their head when TLR removed Zeppo for Lynn with lefty Mitch Moreland up to bat. I mean, huh? Even worse, TLR had Lynn intentionally walk Moreland, and then TLR immediately removed Lynn for Jason Motte. WHAT THE FUCK?!? Why take Lynn out of the game like that, when he might be useful if we manage to get into extra innings?!? Just an absolute disaster of managerial brilliance. We haven’t seen strategy this bad since Hitler decided to invade Moscow in the winter.
TLR IS A FUCKING MORON, PART IV: I want to isolate one bewildering TLR maneuver in the ninth. With Allen Craig at second base and nobody out, we had Albert Fucking Pujols at the plate and a wild Neftali Feliz trying to nail down a save. So, of course, TLR calls for a hit and run! The first attempt failed, as Pujols fouled off the pitch for strike two. SO TLR DOES IT AGAIN! This time, Pujols swings at a ball out of the strike zone (while trying to protect the runner) and misses, and then Napoli fires the ball to second to catch Craig bellyflopping somewhere between first and second. TWO OUTS. But does it make any sense at all to try a hit and run with a wild Feliz struggling to hit the strike zone??? No, of course not. It makes no sense to essentially take the bat out of Pujols’ hands and force him to swing at shit in order to protect Craig there. DUMB DUMB DUMB.
PUNTO WATCH: Our little Punto bean made himself another postseason game to remember tonight. He bobbled a crucial play at second base in the eighth. He also struck out twice in three at bats, and left FOUR men on base. Basically, our potato-headed gremlin looked like a cocky ass all night, swinging weakly at shitty pitches and then strutting back to the dugout. Go back to Hobbiton, you unlucky leprechaun hairball! I hate looking at your damned potato head, and the stupid look on your rodent-like face!
THE DEBRIS: Hey, isn’t it great to only score two runs while getting SEVEN HITS and NINE WALKS?? This is like throwing sixteen degreased footballs at Paris Hilton’s vagina and only landing two of them in the hole – it’s almost impossibly incompetent. The Cardinals left 22 runners on base!!! Nobody was doing anything with runners in scoring position; David Freese, for instance, proved that winning an MVP in a series means jack shit if you strand five runners on base in the next one. Pathetic all around.
GOAT: TONY LARUSSA. Anyone who still supports this monumental idiot is also an idiot of slightly-less monumental proportions.
PLAYER OF THE GAME: Fuck, who knows?? Yadier Molina had three hits, so … oh, whatever.
CONCLUSION: The Cardinals do not deserve to win this goddamned Series. They have an Alzheimer’s patient for a manager, a dumb muscle-headed mimbo for a left fielder, and a bewildering lack of clutch. This game, like Game 2, was there for the winning. It was right there, and the Cardinals threw it all away. Hope that sinks in deeply during the cold, harsh winter that is only one or two days away.