The month of May ended just as it began – with another crippling round of injuries and setbacks. Soon we’re going to need Red Schoendienst to handle some outfield innings, mostly because he’s in better shape than most of our younger players.

While our Cardinals might be fragile, at least some of the blame for this incredibly-prolonged spate of injuries belongs on the Cardinals’ medical staff. Vlad the Impaler has a better understanding of the human anatomy than these clowns. I’d feel more confident of a recovery if The Professor from Gilligan’s Island applied coconut electrodes to their wounds. I’ve written about the dungeon of horrors known as the training room at Busch Stadium before, and you can access it by clicking here.

Since there have been some updates regarding the physical breakdown of several players, I thought I’d compile them here:

JON JAY

Expected to return on Friday from what is now diagnosed as a shoulder separation, Jon Jay is seeking a second opinion as pain continues to emanate from the area.

A few comments. First of all, how did George Paletta and his team of blind Oompa Loompas miss a separated shoulder when originally diagnosing the injury? Were they examining him with a Viewmaster?? How is it that I can be properly diagnosed with a broken bone within 30 minutes at the local hospital, but it requires weeks for Paletta to see that an arm bone has dislodged from a shoulder socket?

Also, have you noticed how many Cardinal players are seeking a second opinion these days? SMART MOVE, GUYS! Ever since the Scott Rolen catastrophe, more and more players are seeking outside help to recover from injuries. Recently, Lance Berkman removed Paletta’s leeches from his knee and went outside the organization for proper medical care. Now Jay is doing the same thing.

JAIME GARCIA

Jaime Garcia will miss an upcoming start due to what the club characterizes as elbow inflammation. In organizational language, this is code for “torn ligament” or some other season-ending injury. Garcia has already had Tommy John surgery before, so hopefully this pain doesn’t indicate a recurrence of that kind of injury. I’m sure Paletta will send him right back out there so he can really pop something loose.

SKIP SCHUMAKER

Skip Schumaker came out of last night’s game with a tight hamstring. This was something of an unmarked occasion, as that was officially the last muscle to be pulled on Schumaker’s body. We finally pulled them all, guys! Let’s go home!

My 90 year-old grandfather hasn’t gotten out of his wheelchair in five years, and he has better muscle development than Skip Schumaker. Skip is going on the restricted list for the third time this season, and he plays part time! Here’s a radical concept – stretch once in a while, Skip! Maybe eat a banana or two!

CHRIS CARPENTER

It sounds like Chris Carpenter is going to start throwing within two weeks, which probably puts him back in the rotation sometime around mid-to-late July. You just know Carp has been sitting on the bench grinding his teeth the last few weeks as our idiotic rotation repeatedly fails to reach the fifth inning. We need some Bulldog restored to this staff.

SCOTT LINEBRINK

Who’s Scott Linebrink?

Linebrink has finally been cleared to climb onto a mound and throw baseballs from it. Which is great news (hopefully), given that, so far, Linebrink is the 2012 version of Brad Penny.

LANCE BERKMAN

Lance Berkman’s surgery went well, and much better than Berkman himself had feared. He’s optimistic and upbeat (as usual), and eager to get to rehab and return sometime in August. In other words, just in time to make another miracle run for the playoffs.

DAVID FREESE

Freese has enjoyed something of a miracle season in 2012. So far, he’s missed only 6 of 51 games, two in recent days due to a “mild wrist sprain” from a diving play on Monday. You never want to hear the words “Freese” and “injury” together in a sentence given that Freese’s bones have the density and strength of a fairy fart. He came into the game last night in a tight spot and didn’t look great, so I imagine he’ll be out a few more days.

KYLE McCLELLAN

Kyle McClellan has been on the disabled list since May 18 with what the club calls a “mild elbow strain.” After Paletta described the injury as a sprain, McClellan went to see a real doctor, who surprisingly agreed with Paletta’s original diagnosis (possibly a first). They used an interesting technique to help heal Kyle’s elbow – they removed “platelets” from his blood using a centrifuge and injected them into the area “to help promote healing.” C’mon, guys … just say that you removed adult stem cells from his blood and re-injected them! I know you cannot use the phrase “stem cells” in Puritanical Amercia (misspelled in honor of Republican dumbass Mitt Romney) without being fire bombed, but let’s just be honest about what we’re doing, okay?

MATT CARPENTER

Matt Carpenter is still out with an oblique strain suffered on May 23rd, and he has yet to even test the injury. This is the same injury that took down Skip Schumaker forever last year. Hopefully Carpenter can recover faster than Schumaker. Well, honestly, is there anything that can’t??

ALLEN CRAIG

The only good news is that Allen Craig will be exiting the disabled list tomorrow (Friday) after a running session indicated that he was at full strength. That is, of course, until Friday night when ( insert injury ) happens to his ( insert body part ) and he’s out for ( insert time frame ) after Paletta misdiagnoses it three times.

We need to find a way to keep Craig healthy for the rest of the season. He’s a big key to the success or failure of the 2012 campaign, and we simply cannot afford to have him on the bench for weeks at a time. That is one reason why I’m in favor of hanging onto Matt Adams and platooning Craig and Adams at first; I’m hoping the intermediate rest will keep Craig in reasonable shape through the summer.

The most irritating aspect of this unending rash of injuries is that we cannot really blame injuries for a 13-16 month of May. Most of the losses in May were winnable games in which our league-leading offense kept us close. The pitching staff – largely untouched by injuries – has let the team down.