I’m going to skip the usual pleasantries in the recap to this game, another futile and impotent contest in an embarrassing weekend sweep by the Cincinnati Reds.

Jake Westbrook pitched his heart out tonight. Westy is not blessed with great stuff, or even the mental capacity to understand the fine nuances of pitching. He has something more – the desire to improve. He has done everything within his power to give the Cardinals a chance to win in every one of his starts this year. but he has just a 7-8 record to show for his efforts.

Tonight, Westbrook took us into the eighth inning and provided over 100 pitches in a strong, two-run performance. He should be proud of himself tonight.

But his team should hang its head in shame; they left him twisting once more by stranding 15,793 baserunners again tonight. This offense must be one of the most infuriating in Cardinal history. They get on base with a regularity that borders on autism, but they can’t seem to do anything with those runners once they’re out there. This team blew more chances this weekend than a Vietcong hooker in 1972.

The only thing missing from this display of ineptitude was another dumbass bunt from Matheny.

Yadier Molina is the only hitter in the lineup who seems to be hitting in the clutch, or who appears to have some sort of game-plan at the plate that doesn’t involve swinging at the ball in a blind rage. Hey guys, the Reds are not throwing batting practice to you, okay? They’re trying to get you out. So maybe take a pitch or protect the plate or some other strategy regularly taught in LITTLE LEAGUE.

Of course, Molina isn’t perfect, either; his bone-headed attempt to take third on a failed pick-off resulted in an out that probably would’ve been another run.

Everything is going wrong; even good plays are turning bad. For instance, Marc Rzepczynski induced the first double play ball of his 2012 season in the eighth inning and runners on first and second and one out. However, they couldn’t get the runner at second, which led to an intentional walk to Ryan Ludwick and a two-run single by Scott Rolen. Ugh … it’s all just too sickening to consider.

The 2012 Cardinals are a team of All Stars, thoroughbreds of a distinctively-high caliber. There is absolutely no reason why this team is performing this badly.

Strike that. It’s not that this team is BAD. It might be fun to watch a team play so badly that it becomes legendary. Instead, this team is BLANDLY bad. They’re not even lovable losers. They just wander onto the field like lobotomized somnambulist zombies and go through the motions. EVERY FUCKING NIGHT.

We need more than another pitcher by the trade deadline. This team needs a heart transplant, too.