The Pirate bats were hotter than the heat wave roasting the Midwest. They bludgeoned a shaky Adam Wainwright and (of course) our bullpen as the Cardinals (40-37) lost in humiliating fashion 14-5 to the Pirates at a sweltering Busch Stadium. 

PINE TAR FREE: It was clear from the first inning that Wainwright didn’t have his stuff, as the Pirates hit every non-curve and racked up two quick runs. Why does Waino even throw a fastball in those situations when he has that rosin-enhanced curveball? The truth is that Wainwright wasn’t good tonight; all of his fastballs were rising into the strike zone. And the Pirates didn’t miss much. The big blow came in the fifth immediately after the Cards gave him the lead; Waino surrendered a three-run double to tie the game. It’s pretty important to shut the door when the offense gives you a nice cushion. One of Waino’s worst starts of the year.

JERSEY NIGHT BONUS: How great was it to see Carlos Beltran get his 2,000th hit on the very night the Cardinals gave away Beltran jerseys to everyone in the ballpark? His new Cardinal family gave him a long standing ovation, and he tipped his cap graciously twice in recognition. Beltran is probably grateful to be able to accomplish that in front of real fans, rather than the morons in New York. THANK YOU, KING CARLOS!

ALLENTOWN: Allen Craig can flat-out hit. He could probably hit a baseball 400 feet with a loaf of french bread. Even better, Craig is clutch; he comes up and delivers when the team really needs something. He did it again in the third with the Cards trailing 2-1, ripping his tenth homer – a three-run shot – to give the team a temporary 5-2 lead. Consider this: Craig has averaged an RBI a game since he returned from the disabled list. He has fewer strikeouts than RBI’s. He might be the best pure hitter we’ve developed since the legendary Albert Pujols.

OFF THE RAILS: Mike Matheny desperately kept Wainwright in the game despite not having his best stuff in order to avoid using his incendiary bullpen. But after Waino gave up two runs in the sixth on back-to-back homers, Matheny had no choice. He brought in Eduardo Sanchez, who decided to give up a two run homer rather than walk everybody (it’s easier that way). It was all downhill after that.

THE WORST BULLPEN IN THE HISTORY OF BASEBALL: After Fernando Salas somehow managed to pitch a scoreless seventh inning, the worst Cardinal bullpen ever went back to work. And by work, I mean they took a steaming shit all over the franchise with yet another night of grotesque incompetence. Salas loaded the bases on a single and two walks before Matheny even knew what was happening. So Matheny brought in Sam Freeruns Freeman to face Casey McGehee. And McGehee singled (of course) to drive in another run. But that wasn’t good enough for Freeman, who then WALKED ANOTHER RUN IN. This is the second time in a week that one of our relievers surrendered a bases-loaded walk! Any dumb fucker who walks in a run should be immediately covered in honey and tied to a hill of fire ants. UNACCEPTABLE.

THE WORST BULLPEN IN THE HISTORY OF THE GAME PART 2: Seriously, fuck Marc Rzepczynski. With the Cards already down 11-5 in the ninth, Matheny brought in Shitzynski with nothing on the line and the dog-faced idiot STILL pitched like garbage. With two on and nobody out, why would anyone with a functioning cerebral cortex EVER throw a middle-of-the-plate fastball to Andrew McCutchen? And, like almost everybody who has faced Shitzynski this year, McCutchen didn’t miss it. He laced a three-run homer to deep center field to really make a riot out of this game. HUMILIATING.

WHAT TO DO ABOUT THE BULLPEN: Get a bus, load the entire bullpen into it, and drive it into the fucking Mississippi River. Then hire some orangutans to shoot baseballs out of their big red asses instead.

PLAYER OF THE GAME: The Craigken!!!

CONCLUSION: John Mozeliak had better do something right now, and I really don’t care what that is anymore. Switch out the entire bullpen with the Memphis squad. Release them all and wheel out a pitching machine. You can’t expect 40,000 fans to sweat their asses off and brave heat exhaustion while watching this shit night after night after night. Screw the trade deadline. Get rid of these guys right now.