The long ball returned to support a masterful Adam Wainwright, as the Cardinals (17-11) salvaged the third game of a lost series 8-1 against the Houston Astros. 

MINUTE MAID PARK SUCKS: My absolute and unquenchable hatred of Minute Maid shall never end, and describing its many awful design and decorative flaws would take more space than the internet can supply. However, today provided yet another drop of venom to my cesspool of contempt for the Houston franchise and their revolting ballpark that I simply must briefly mention. You see, today was yoga mat day at Minute Maid Park. You’re kidding me, right?!? Whatever happened to Texans being big, beef-eating MEN who rope horses and make rough love to their practical wives? A real Texan would only use a yoga mat for birthing calves, right? Seriously, is there a huge portion of the Astros fan base actively practicing yoga? And why?? What’s next … tofu slushies in the concession stands and an orange juice colonics station? GROW UP AND STOP EMBARRASSING BASEBALL!

HE’S BACK? In what was BY FAR his best start of the season, Adam Wainwright blew through the Astros for seven innings and notching seven strikeouts. And these weren’t cheap strikeouts, either. Waino’s cutter was devastating, and his curveball was vintage 2006 NLCS quality. Welcome back, buddy!

BLIND CHICKEN FINDS CORN: Every time I give up on Tyler Greene, he shows why John Mozeliak’s scarf stiffens at the thought of him. Greene blasted two home runs and drove in four runs in an eye-popping 3-3 day. I’m sure it was a confidence-boosting day for the constantly-skittish Greene, just like it was when he did it once last year. Any chance that this guy can do it twice this year?

ALLENTOWN: While Greene made the most noise, he certainly wasn’t’ alone. Allen Craig ripped a double and a home run and drove in three runs to complement Greene’s big day. I can’t tell you how comforting it is to have this big kid back on this team and fully functional! If we can find a spot for him, he’s set to have a huge year!

ROBBERY: That was one hell of a catch by Brian Bogusevic to rob David Freese of a sure home run in the seventh. Bogusevic pulled a Willie McGee, leaping high above the wall and snagging Freese’s shot away from the outstretched arms of several fans in the stands. The crappy Houston fans rewarded Bogusevic with lame, barely-audible applause – let’s burn this place to the ground!!! I HATE the Houston Astros!!

PLAYER OF THE GAME: Greene, just because of his breakout. Waino will be good forever.

CONCLUSION: Well, it was nice to snatch a face-saving victory from this surprising-but-still-awful Houston club. It should’ve been a better series than this, though.

About The Author

Lifelong Cardinal fan and general loudmouth.

  • Youreanidot

    The yoga mats were for “Pink in the Park” for breast cancer awareness you dumb f@#$…

    • Ray DeRousse

      Still dumb.

    • Ray DeRousse

      By the way, learn to spell the word “idiot” before attempting to insult someone else’s intelligence. Moron.